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Old Year and New Year by Christina Rossetti

New Year met me somewhat sad:
Old Year left me tired,
Stripped of favourite things I had
Baulked of much desired:
Yet further on my road to-day
God willing, further on my way.

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Jokes about death

TeachTeach Your TeacherHomePosts: 9,705 mod
edited June 2016 in Humour
Three friends die in a car crash, and they all go on an orientation course.

Each of them is asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say?

The first friend says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."

The second friend says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful partner, and school teacher who made a huge difference for my students."

The last friend replies, "I would like to hear them say.....LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"


  • Shiny03Shiny03 Posts: 2,860 ✭✭✭✭✭
    I like everything all about black humor very much.

    The first and second friend are tolerant and flexible. Nothing wrong, most of us are this type of people.
    The third friend quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives.
    We admire this sort of person somehow, in some way. I'm a pedant and feel free to be annoyed.
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked,

    “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”

    “I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”

    “How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”

    “Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”

    “Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!” “Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.

    “Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.

    "How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

    "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

    "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
    The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
    The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
    With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of Earth, they would be given one chance to become anything they desired.

    The first man ran to the edge of the cliff and jumped into the air shouting, "I want to be an eagle." Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

    The second man ran to the edge of the cliff and jumped into the air shouting, "I want to be a falcon." Instantly he was changed into a falcon and soared off into the sunset.

    The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock and shouted, "Oh shit."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

    "I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

    God explained to him, "Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

    "Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

    "Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth to be whatever you want to be."

    "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be a famous movie star!"

    "No problem," replied God. "Poof." The guy was gone.

    "And what do you want to be," God asked the other guy.

    "I'd like to be one cool STUD!!!" was his reply.

    "Easy," replied God. "Poof." The guy was gone.

    After a few months, their mansions were finished and God sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," God told the angel, "One of them is in Hollywood and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Three buddies died in a car and went to heaven for an orientation. They are asked, "When you were in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you have liked them to say about you?"

    The first guy said, "I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'"

    The second guy said, "I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in many children's lives.'"

    The last guy said, "I would liked to hear them say, ‘Look, he's moving!'"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    " I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"

    "No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

    "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,275 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
    She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
    As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
  • nuurussubchiynuurussubchiy Posts: 259 ✭✭✭
    Maybe some people don't want to be saved..
    when they find out they will enter the heaven but then ER Officer use their defibrillator and pulling their as*es come back to earth
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